I started smoking when I was 11 years old. I had been in boarding school since the age of 6, I was comfortably upholstered (ok, I was fat and was known as 'slug' to my peers) and wanted to fit in with the other lads in my school. I achieved my goal of becoming one of the gang, which also meant having to try the various other substances that were smuggled into one of the best private schools in the UK. This made me and many other folk very 'happy' with life in general (this was the early 70's!).
So, here I am, 39 YEARS LATER and I am still smoking (although all the other stuff had gone from my life by the end of the 70's, along with the long hair and platform shoes). I have tried to give up a couple of times...although rather half-heartedly I have to admit...and failed dismally.
SMOKER
During the last 39 years I have smoked as many as 70 a day and as few as 5 a day. The 70 a day, as any smoker out there will know, were when times were stressful, relationships or business were difficult or money was tight (how do we manage to keep buying the cigarettes though...??).
There have been other occasions, when I have been in hospital for example, and have only managed to sneak 1 or 2 in. I have dangled perilously out of bathroom windows, nearly bursting stitches, just so that I could have the 'fix' that I so desperately needed. In recent years, where every darned place is anti-smoking, I have risked imprisonment and probably capital punishment so I could have a puff on my little best friend.
I have given up 3 times in total.
The first time I failed because my partner at that time gave up with me; if we hadn't started smoking again I am sure we would both be in prison now for doing something stupid with very sharp kitchen utensils.
The second time was 18 months ago. I made a promise to my new partner who doesn't smoke. This time I failed for good old lack of willpower, (a lame duck excuse I guess). Mind you, she was nearly ready to be my ex-partner after about the first week, as I was such an, errmmm, not pleasant person!
The third time was as a result of a heart attack last year. I stopped for 3 weeks and then, like a fool, gave in to the cravings. It was the 'spend every waking moment thinking of nothing else' syndrome. I had some harsh words from my Cardiologist about smoking and weight and drinking too much coffee, while he sat outside the hospital cafe with a fried egg butty, a black coffee and...you've guessed it...a FAG!
Both my parents were heavy smokers and managed to give up due to chronic illnesses; but then my mother passed away. She died of cancer at the age of 68.
If ever there were good reasons for me to stop smoking [http://www.firstforquitsmoking.com] then I have plenty. I am 50, overweight, and suffered a heart attack last year, but guess what, I still cannot do it. This fear of what will replace the dreaded weed, the anxiety, the hunger, the need for nicotine. It scares the crap out of me.
On a mature conscious level I know I have no choice, BUT, if I can cut down to, say 10 a day, will that be alright? In every other aspect of my life I am in control but, my God, I hate these things that I seem to need as much as the air that I sometimes struggle to breathe.
Once a Smoker, Always a Smoker? A Story Told First-Hand by My Partner Who is a Current Smoker SMOKER
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